I was browsing the candy section of a Cracker Barrel off I-95 when I spotted something that sent a shiver down my spine—a pack of Oscar Mayer gummy hotdogs. That's right. According to the internet, they are (artificially) fruit-flavored.
Who... WHO THOUGHT THIS PRODUCT WOULD BE APPEALING?! Surely people don't see these on the shelf and think, "Gee, that looks appetizing! I'd love to slurp down a few gelatinous, bun-less hotdogs!" Maybe it's intended to be one of those gag gifts you give the coworker you despise for Secret Santa. Or maybe you can spook your cat with one, like those people on YouTube with the cucumbers. Not familiar with that reference? Google "CATS VS. CUCUMBERS."
I lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, burdened by the knowledge that gummy Oscar Mayer weiners exist. No food is safe from gummy-tization. Maybe I should just learn to embrace it.
So, I put on my thinking cap and came up with a few new ideas to pitch to the candy company higher-ups:
Gummy oysters on the half shell (with juice that squirts out when you bite into it, like a Fruit Gusher)
Gummy pork rinds
Gummy slice of American cheese
Gummy chimichanga
Life-sized gummy turkey leg
Gummy haggis
Jar of gummy goose fat
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